Letters to the Editor: November 2005

Published on 22 November 2005 in , ,

Yes the mailbag has been quite literally overflowing with just under one email to the Planet Bods hypertransporter inbox. And it’s from a Mrs Trelis of North Wales, and she writes…

Where Is…

Date: 12 November 2005

From: <name removed>

where is mike neville?

Well thanks for asking. Actually he’s chained up in my secret dungeon, safe and secure. Yes, I have taken him captive so that the only person he can read the news to is me! Yes me I tell you! None other shall hear his tones any more! He’s mine! All mine! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! And indeed Mwahahahahahahahahahaha-aha!

Either that or he’s behind the sofa where you left him. In fact, come to think of it, that’s probably where he is.

…my nemesis…

Date: 28 September 2005

From: <name removed>

Please could you send me a signed photo of Mr Mike Neville, could it be made

out to “My dear friend & nemesis, Gary Stook”.

What? Weren’t you reading my evil laughter? Look, this is quite frankly ridiculous. He’s mine! I am his nemesis! Not your Gary Stook! He is a rubbish nemesis. He doesn’t strike the fear of god into people! He doesn’t stroke a white cat whilst sitting in a leather arm chair!

But I do! I am a proper nemesis! Mwahahahaha! I have the cat hairs left behind the prove it! And look! I have a scary and sinister black leather coat and an eye patch! See! Behold the true vision of a nemesis. Gary Stook is not even worthy to kneel at my side, such his appalling state of nemesisness!

…who does adverts…

Date: 16 November 2005

From: <name removed>

who is the man in the advert for power gen weather forcast?

Why it’s Mike Neville! Yes, I allowed him out of my secret layer just so he could do that one. Mwahahaaa!

…and who has insurance problems…

Date: 10 November 2005

From: <name removed>

would it be possible for you to furnish me with the wind speeds in the washington area for the nights of 8th and 9th of november 2005.this is to try and assist me in an claim on my house insurance. thank you

What? You think I’ve got nothing better to do than worry about your trivial little insurance problems? Look, I’m trying to be a ruthless, evil nemesis here – the kind of person who strokes sinister white cats whilst sat on leather swivel chairs. You think I have time to find out how fast farts come out in the Washington area?

Hey, what do you think I do all day? I ain’t George Bush. I’ve got a sinister, evil empire to run!

…and errr… right… I dunno…

Date: 8 October 2005

From: <name removed>

I can’t find your call letters!

Now, look mate. It’s so simple and clear that it doesn’t make a sinister and evil genius to work it all out. You don’t make letters on the phone. You make calls. Now I’m an evil overload and even I know that… And evil overloads don’t know how to do anything other than cackle hysterically at the right moment.

…and who wants to read the news.

Date: 27 August 2005

From: <name removed>

i am wondering how to embark on a career as a newsreader. i have not worked in the media industry before but in the public sector. however i am looking to change my career. please advise.

Right. That’s it. I can’t take any more. Mike, you’re free to go, as long as you take these bloomin’ emails with you…